That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
