My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
