There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
