I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
