i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
