i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
