I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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