if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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