Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
