I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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