I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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