I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
wow bdsm is so cute
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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