First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
