Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
