her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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