Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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