I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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