I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
