just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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