ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
