So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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