First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
