the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
