No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
