My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
