I hope my margaritas pass through security.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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