I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
