You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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