I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
