So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
