somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
