If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
