last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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