You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
