I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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