How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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