I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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