Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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