advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
