I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
