Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
