Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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