If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
