I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
