I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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