You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
This house was built for laser tag.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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