You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
