I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
