Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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