I just threw up on my dentist
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
